...

Been a while again...

I've been quite overwhelmed lately I think. A lot of it has been good things, but still a large, oppressive amount. Has kept me on my toes. I feel quite fufilled in a lot of ways and almost struggling in others. It's strange.

I think I'm making a lot of progress in therapy. I'd normally stray from talking about this here (even if nobody reads it) but its good to I think. One of the most difficult things about 'getting better' is realising how bad it really is. I've only recently begun to understand the depths of my traumas and coping mechanisms as well as how deeply entrenched they are in every aspect of my being. Sometimes its hard to know where the 'Me' created to survive ends and I actually begin.

One thing it does make easier is forgiving myself in the past. For how I was, and the person I was or wasn't. Spending your life intrinsically knowing that you are different and shameful and wrong, is an incredibly hard thing to live with. The fact that I am here now is proof that it wasn't for nothing. That me and those instincts protected me when I needed them. But it is time to let go.

I do not need you anymore.

I don't need to be protected anymore.

But I thank you.

Knowing even slighlty how vast the oceans of my issues is terrifying but hopeful. I may never know the full depths, but I know what I am trying to tackle, to unshackle myself from. More and more I am learning the territory I have been fighting on for so many years so that I can slowly find my path off the battlefield.

Apologies for the fluffy writing, but I liked doing it. That's enough.

Love yourself and others, truly.

Warmly, Saoirse